[Feb 5, 2012:  This article relates my consideration of the ultimate act of altar sacrifice in order to obey Jesus' command of "Follow Me." Over a twelve day period, I struggled with the problem of making my sacrifice real, as a suicide. Finally, I did not do it; I try to explain my feelings, goal, hopes, and frustrations here. I realize this was very radical, what most people would call "crazy." But, it had me wrestling with God in a very real way. In reflection, I think my motivation is partly a disgust with the Lukewarm religion which "talks a good line but does no real action." I assure you that this was not just talk; I really did intend to complete my offering as a real action. The world seems fresher to me now, rain sweeter, winter more friendly, my body lighter. I feel less anchored. I feel renewed.]

Is suicide wrong? By "wrong," I mean evil, unGodly; is suicide contrary to God’s will?

The Bible does not speak against suicide, and Jesus does seem to be suggesting it as an action toward leaving this world in order to follow Him. Actually, Jesus nearly commands it, as I will explain below. Of course, suicide suffers a terrible stigma among Christian religionists. A fundamentalist friend declares that a suicide sends one straight to hell. There is a commandment against killing, which I will discuss later on this page.

Religion is pro-life, along with its many doctrines which directly contradict things which Jesus stated clearly. By "pro-life," I mean the natural human instinct for survival, to protect and prolong physical life at nearly any cost. Religion exalts a worldly good-life. Ironically, religion, in the name of Jesus, is so opposite from Jesus’ teachings that any sensible person should be wary of anything that it preaches, including its pro-life stance. When Jesus calls us to Life, He means capital "L" Life in the coming Kingdom of God. This human "life" is something which Jesus sometimes calls "death." A spiritual person must understand there are two meanings for this word. For a discussion of the conflict between religion and Jesus, here is a link.

If you have read my works about Liberation during the past couple years, you know that I exalt most highly the millions of martyrs who died tortured deaths rather than recant their faith in Jesus. They could have saved their lives, but they chose the other path, that lonely upward path to the high altar upon which they gave themselves as living sacrifices. They are with their Father now because they followed their Lord deliberately as they did. I think they understood Jesus' command to take up one's cross and follow Him as a command to DO something toward one's death. God doesn't favor one who fears death and waits for old age or some act of violence to take his life. Jesus is commanding one to DO some action toward following Him away from this world.

Let’s consider Jesus’ trek up that hill to His cross. First, He goaded the Edomite Jews into killing Him by telling them their Father was not God but the devil. He exposed them as a race of people whose Father is not God, a teaching which the Christian religion refuses to address. In other words, Jesus engineered His own death. While in Capernaum, He told His friends that if He went to Jerusalem He would be killed. His brothers dared Him, mockingly, to go. He went to Jerusalem! He simply arranged for someone else to kill him. If one draws a gun on police officers so that they shoot him, that is called "suicide by cop." Perhaps Jesus’ death can be called "suicide by Jews." He had told them they were murderers doing the will of their father, Satan. He DID something to cause His death.

Now, listen to Jesus speaking to His closest friends after His resurrection, as recorded by His brother, James, in the Apocryphon of James:

        I’ve included the above quotation in other articles previously written; it is from the Nag Hammadi collection which was discovered in 1945, buried in the Egyptian sands near the ancient Pharao tombs. The Roman church destroyed all such writings during the early centuries, but a few of the precious works were preserved by God for the end times, for our time, now. In previous writings I argued that Jesus was not encouraging suicide because that would be contrary to the rest of the Bible. I could make no Biblical case for that argument, except that we all commonly believe self-murder is wrong. In order to argue against suicide, I had to slip conveniently past Jesus’ words, "the kingdom of God belongs to those who put themselves to death."

If you’ve read my Liberation pieces, you know that I yearn to exit this earth stage. I desire that with an intense longing which would be difficult to put into words. The reality of God’s Divine Plan is very REAL to me; it is not speculative conjecture. I’ve been shown intellectually what John saw visually in his revelations. I know the reality of God’s program. My reality is not this world.

This kingdom of World is not my home; it is a hostile land of material and emotional anguish, fears, greed, lies, and hate. It is the pig-pen of God’s prodigals. Here is how I see the problem: there is no reward for being killed and cast out of the pig-pen to rot like any other piece of meat. God welcomes one who deliberately, courageously, enthusiastically, leaves the pig-pen and slams the gate behind him. Rather than fearing death, the prodigal seeks it with a passion. THAT is what Jesus told His disciples in the quotation above! One must DO something to exit this world stage.

If I prolong my life in order to suffer debilitation from the aging process, hoping to die peacefully in my bed, then I have not exited this stage by my own power or will. If I try to preserve this life, believing that even misery is better than the alternative, then I certainly have not followed Jesus by my own determination. Such pro-life people are not Martyrs (word means witnesses) for a Lord who commands them to take up their crosses and DO something to follow Him.

The question before me right now, as I am aging and losing my vision, is whether I should deliberately exit this stage while I am still able to do it, or should I wait for nature to take me. The first is a willful act in defiance of any fear of death; the second is nothing different from the death of an insect.

I knew an old man, a close friend, who was fond of saying that if he knew he was going to die, he would take his gun and shoot some politicians in order to do some good for the world. I watched him get sick and over many months of misery lay in his bed until he finally died in his own soiled bedding. Well, that is one point of view, that one might do something beneficial for the world before exiting the stage.

For me, to achieve my own death is a thrilling contemplation. I think of it as being like a young man going excitedly to visit a girl with whom I had fallen deeply in love. I think of it in comparison to a fledgling bird which walks out onto a branch and, never having flown before, launches into mid-air. It feels compelled to do that. It deliberately loosed its grip of the branch and sprang forward; no one pushed it and it did not accidentally fall. I think of death as a door which opens, not one which closes. I think of it as a return to my Palace Home from the pig-pen. It is my compulsive-instinct to exit this pig-pen, slamming the gate behind me, and launching into that promise of my Father that He awaits me. It is a powerful force from within me, a spirit-being-son of the Almighty God, which compels me toward my Father who beckons. It is a joyous victory which is available to one who will DO something toward it.

Now, I ask you to consider whether you would advise me to stay in the World pig-pen or to run Home to my beckoning Father.

Isn’t it strange how our "Christian" people sing about going to heaven and then wail when a loved-one goes? We have many beautiful songs about the transition, but the songs seem unable to affect religion’s lament over death. This excerpt from the song, "Going Home," is meaningful to me:

Well, there you have it. I, Roger Hathaway, am confronting a question of serious consequence, whether or not I believe God’s promises, whether I believe Jesus, and whether I will act upon my beliefs. A gun, a pill, a knife, alcohol, hypothermia in the snow? I’ve seen them all as a police officer. The pain is so brief and the reward so prolonged! To really ACT because of my beliefs will make my action a testimony of my belief. The ACT becomes my Witness, without which my words might be but sounding brass and tinkling cymbals.

My epitaph: "A WISP OF WIND GONE ON"

Jesus said, "If anyone desires to follow me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life on account of Me will find it. For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?"  (Matthew 16:24)

Jesus said,   "He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for life eternal. Anyone who serves Me must follow Me, and where I am, there will My servant be."  (John 12:25)

Jesus said, "Go sell your possessions and give to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven, and come, follow Me." (Matthew 19:21)

Jesus said, take nothing for the journey, neither staffs nor purse nor bread nor money." (Luke 9:3)

Jesus' brother, James, said, "Do you know that friendship of the world is enmity with God? Whoever wants to be a friend of the world has made himself an enemy of God." (James 4:4)

St. Paul understood Jesus' words, as he wrote to those at Corinth, "flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor will corruption inherit incorruption."  (I Cor 15:50)

Jesus said, "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life." (Mat 19:29)

Clearly, to leave everyone and everything to follow Jesus is the assignment. Where did He go? He struggled upward a difficult path in order to step through the door of humiliation and death into the Kingdom of God; He beckons us to follow Him. The victory is obtained by willing your own death; if you refuse, you lose. Those millions of martyrs at crosses and burning stakes, through history, are with Him now because they followed Him through that door of Liberation from this world. He showed the Way; it is up to each of us to follow! The end of the Age has arrived.

My conclusion is that Death is the door to Life if one will achieve it with determination and faith. In the Jerusalem of Jesus' time, and for the next couple centuries, there was a political system which pursued and killed His followers. In our time, governments do not kill Christians openly but they do work covertly toward the same end. Politicians have learned that Martyrs are more dangerous after death than when they were alive. So, if one is to follow Jesus' command to die to this world, he must undertake the task himself. He said, "the kingdom of God belongs to those who put themselves to death." All of the other passages which are quoted above are consistent with this teaching. Of course, there is a commandment against killing, with which I agree as it pertains to killing another person, or even to killing oneself if done from weakness or despair. I think it is quite a different thing to kill oneself as an act of Liberation from this world, offering oneself as a living sacrifice, in order to heed our Lord's command to follow Him. Right now, my problem is how to achieve this on my own, without first attacking a government anti-Christ enemy.

The life which I want to offer has been an exciting adventure. Here is a little summary of it, with some discussion of My Last Chapter.

We have arrived at the end-times, the very ending of the World kingdom, when Satan is defeated and Christ takes command. I want to follow my Lord into that new kingdom, where my flesh and blood cannot go. Therefore, I must do whatever is necessary to shed this physical anchor.

A new paradigm is being set forth, as occurs with the coming of each new age. At the start of the age of Aries (Lamb), Abraam instituted a new religion focused toward veneration of the Lamb. At the end of Aries, Jesus completed that age by His sacrifice as the Lamb of God. During Aries, an animal was sacrificed as a substitute for man. Then, Jesus initiated the age of Pisces (Fish) with an emphasis upon Fish, which serve as a symbol of the Elect which the Great Fisherman came to catch for His Father. During the age of Pisces, it was not substitutes but men on the sacrificial altars, being crucified, thrown to lions, pierced with swords, etc. [my use of the word "men" includes women] God's own Family members were being gathered, like fish into nets, at least those individuals who had the courage to stand boldly and refuse to recant. Now, at the end of Pisces, the paradigm is shifting from death by other hands to that of personal willing sacrifice by one's own hand. The last of the Fish to be gathered must demonstrate their ultimate act of faith by exiting the World stage by their own hands. Our society has always accepted martyrdom as noble when it was done to us by our enemies. Essentially, it was okay if someone else kills you, but not okay if you do it yourself. I see the new paradigm as one of increasing personal responsibility, that one should Witness (martyr) from his own belief rather than waiting to be forced by others. In the new kingdom, each of the Elect must demonstrate the courage of his own convictions, forthrightly, rather than goading others to do the job.

The Nag Hammadi Gospels were preserved by God for this time, now, at the end of the age of Pisces, being the end of 12,000 years of World. In one of the books, The Aprocryphon of James (Jesus' brother), we find Jesus saying, "the kingdom of God belongs to those who put themselves to death."  The paradigm seems to be shifting to keynote the start of the age of Aquarius.

Friends, what I am telling you is that you, too, must answer the same question - IF you wish to follow Jesus. We already know that the end-time chaos will kill nearly every one of us anyway. Each must consider whether he will await an unwelcome slaughter or shall he step forth boldly to witness of his belief by undertaking the task for himself, to do it with joyous enthusiasm in order to obtain the reward which God has promised. As for me, I am settling all accounts that I can, in preparation for taking my own life. I know where I am going; I'm going Home. Each must confront the reality of this question for himself.

by Roger Hathaway, 1/21/2012        RETURN TO HOMEPAGE

Generally, we like to think that Jesus was a victim of Jewish authorities and Roman soldiers, but He says that no one took His life from Him, because He laid it down of his own accord. His words are at John 10:17 — "The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again.

When a person draws a toy gun against a police officer and gets killed, that is called "suicide by cop." When one purposely steps in front of a truck, society might excuse it as an accident, but it was a suicide. Because Jesus admitted that He set up His own death (He did it by exposing the Temple Jews as Edomite sons of the devil) we could  call that "suicide by Jews." In all such cases, the "victim" did a suicide just as one might do a "suicide by gun." Culpability is absolute.

Christian religionists are probably unanimous that suicide is a damning sin. But, their narrow and exclusive definition is not supported by Scripture, neither by text nor by example. When cornered in such a debate, a Christian will likely turn to the commandment that Thou shalt not kill, and then claim that suicide is self-murder.

My argument is that a doctrinal law against all killing CANNOT be absolute because killing IS justified in many cases and even encouraged by God throughout Old Testament history. Death by stoning was a punishment for some sins such as adultery, sorcery, mediums, homosexuals, et al. And recorded human history is largely a record of wars upon wars, much of it being Israelites against enemies and Israelites against factions within the Family.

Look at the many statements of Jesus which seem to exalt Death, along with His general commands to hate this world and to die to it. He came into the world to achieve first, a reparation of the breach of Old Covenant, second, to secure a New Covenant (Hebrews 8), and then to command His sheep to Follow Him. Where did He go? To death, of course. And look at His statement regarding why the Father loves Him! "The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life - only to take it up again." Isn’t that the very reason that I want to lay down my life, to take it up again in God’s presence, in those mansions which Jesus went ahead to prepare?

Jesus said that He had authority to lay down His life. Can I say that I don’t have the same authority? How can I know that I am not commanded to follow Him in the same way, a deliberate suicide, by cross, by pyre, by gun, by knife, by whatever, while I feel so strongly that I am commanded/called? Along this line, I really must consider that I have the same authority IF I feel so compelled to follow Him in the same way. Actually, Jesus goes out of His way to emphasize that we are equal to Him as children of the same Father. In John 17 He prays that we may be One with Him just as He is One with the Father. If I yield myself to the Holy Spirit guidance and dedicate myself to such agreement with Jesus, and will myself to walk the same path, then to what might I attribute this unworldly and radical attitude? To the work of the Father’s Spirit within me, of course, else I would not even acknowledge Jesus as my Lord. If the Holy Spirit works such a compulsion within me to hate this world, hate this body, and die to it, not just nominally but literally, how can I deny this confidence which I feel that God is commanding me to follow Jesus in the same way?

Some years ago, I began writing as I felt compelled. I did not write essays which were founded on research, but essays on spiritual topics which simply came to me without planning. I did not write for public for a long time, but merely because I felt compelled to write. Years went by before I shared my essays with other people. I knew my notions were radical and without currency against cognitive dissonance. I knew that if I was still a Lutheran pastor, I would be defrocked. I knew that I was locking a gate behind me, making me an outcast from all traditional Christianity. Yet, as the Big Picture continued to form more clearly in my mind, I also knew that I would gladly die before recanting the Truths of which I felt so confident. Those Truths came to me like individual pieces of a great puzzle which eventually hinted at that which I now call the Big Picture of God’s Design, His grand Plan.

What I am trying to describe is my feeling of confidence which has become my foundation and my faith, a confidence which resulted from the thrilling inspirations to write articles which are now on this website, and a confidence that the compulsions which motivate me are from my Father who lives in and through me. If I deny my faith, my confidence, my cross, and these inspired compulsions in order to stay in this world, what shall I do with Jesus’ question: "What is a man profited if he gain the whole world and lose his own soul?"

Ancient wise men from many sources have claimed that our world reality is nothing but an illusion, a deception, a "maya", a thought-form. Some scientists are now describing it as a hologram. Modern physicists have concluded that there is no such thing as a particle of matter; there is only one’s belief in matter. I’ve written much about this over the years. We might think of reality as dream which the Supreme Mind (God) is having, in which He experiences life through the figment characters He imagines. It is not quite that simple, because we know that He has given to one race of His offspring a special anointing and free will, along with the power to perceive whatever we believe to be true. He has given to another race instincts opposite from ours in order that those people might tempt us, deceive us, exploit us, and kill our mortal bodies. Our task is to recognize the Truth and to turn away from that wicked race and its deceptive world which its people (Cain, Edom, Jews) have enticed us to create. If we fear death and if we try to make the best of this great Lie, then we are indicted by the words of Jesus’ brother, James, as he said: "Do you know that friendship of the world is enmity with God? Whoever wants to be a friend of the world has made himself an enemy of God." (James 4:4)

If I accept such Bible passages as the inspired Word of God, and if I admit that these passages are all consistent in the same theme, then it is incumbent upon me to witness of my faith, to really ACT as my Father seems to be commanding, and to leave the great Lie by whatever means possible, by an enemy’s gun, my own weapon, or a fatal heart attack from God. Some people might encourage me to make the most of this life (friend of the world) until I’m nearer to a natural death, and then take some action. Isn’t that the same as telling me to be an enemy of God until the last moment before I do the radical exit which He has long commanded?

It’s all a mind-play, in which this figment of Roger must seek and find that Truth which the Father offers, and must then leap through that open door in order to REALize it. The method of death suddenly seems far less important than the act of doing what I think I’ve been called to do. I can either reject the cross or take it up and follow. If I'm objective, it really seems quite simple.

Perhaps this is the last question which I must face. How can I justify leaving my wonderful companion, my wife, to finish out her life alone? This is probably the toughest question which I must confront. Lisa has served me with full dedication; she has given much of her own self in ministry to me. We are supremely happy together. How can I be so crazy as to do such violence to our marriage as a suicide?

I guess my first answer is that she knows she is a beloved child of her Father, and she knows that she will never be without Him, her Savior, or the angels who watch over her. I do not encourage her to do what I do because it is her task to walk her own path and hear the guidance she receives. So, I would be leaving her in the loving hands of her Almighty Father.

    (Note added to the above paragraph a few hours after writing it on Saturday, Feb 11th: A friend phoned us midday to tell Lisa about an incident which happened to him a few hours ago, perhaps even when I was writing that paragraph about Lisa. He said that when he was in his furnace room where he often goes to pray, he heard an audible voice saying “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” He said he has read those words in the Bible many times, but this morning he heard that spoken audibly, and there were a few more words, something like "Do not fear for I am with you always." Upon hearing those words, he thought instantly of Lisa and felt compelled to phone her and tell her the message. I should mention that this man knows nothing about my suicide consideration, nor has any other reason to comfort Lisa with that message. At this writing, he still knows nothing of this topic.)

Secondly, Jesus addressed this issue in Mat 19:29, saying: "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life." You won’t hear that from preachers, but it’s there in Matthew’s gospel; Jesus did say it. Whew! It certainly isn’t easy to follow Him, or even to convince my reluctant mind that I should. The anguish of this ordeal is terrible.

Just yesterday, in a phone call from a distant friend, we touched on this subject.  I said, "if you lived in a hovel and there was a palace next door waiting for you, would you not go over to it?" He said that he wanted to enjoy the rest of his life with his family. For me, the satisfaction of wallowing in this world has become deplorable, while the happy excitement of going home has become ecstasy. I feel like a sled-dog lunging in the traces, so eager to go to that Home to which I feel so strongly called. It's a very positive motivation.

Another image that seems so very real and clear to me is that of a "pearl of great price," for which Jesus told the story of the man who found it then went and sold all that he had in order to buy it. I now know heaven to be the Spiritual dimension of consciousness, separate and distant from our dimensions of Physical mind, Emotional mind, and Intellectual mind. To REALize that heaven consciousness is to find oneself in the presence of God. IT is the "pearl of great price!" My feeling is one of ecstasy, euphoria, and clinging to it. I’m not fearful that it will disappear, but I know that I must shed this body and all earthly attachments in order to obtain it.

Another image that seems equally real for me is that of a glorious castle (mansion, palace, estate, kingdom of God) in front of me; it is in a sort of golden fog from which I can’t turn my eyes, and from which I hear a sweet voice calling. It lies across a moat of water; a diaphanous bridge is the only path to it.  The problem is that I cannot cross the bridge with this physical body; I must leave it behind and go home as a Spirit-Son, free of any worldly baggage. The vision seems so clear and so compelling to me that it really doesn’t matter how I manage to shed this body, whether by an enemy’s gun, a heart attack, or by my own act. The only thing which does matter is my willingness and determination to shed it. I’ve tried to think of my death as a sacrificial offering, but now I realize that this body has no more value; it has been my prison. God doesn’t want it; the life which I lived was actually my offering; it was my living sacrifice. Now He just wants me to come home as His Spirit-Son. It is true that this body did serve as a temple where the Holy Spirit dwelt, and I tried to care for it accordingly, but not nearly as well as if I had fully realized the importance. But, now, our sojourn is finished here, and I can shed it like a snake sheds an old skin.

I think the most difficult mental dilemma regards my own attitude. Foremost is a joyous excitement; the kingdom of God is in sight and I hear a sweet voice calling. I just want to charge that misty bridge, leaving the body behind without looking back. Second to that is the stigma of suicide, and because of that I feel a reluctance to do it. While I would like to share the joy of my realization with others, I do get some negative feedback. Anyone hearing me describe this notion with joy probably thinks that I’m crazy and then wonders just how far gone I am. So, it’s easier to refrain from discussing this with loved ones and friends, but to dwell simply on the things Jesus said. If Jesus really is Lord and if there really is a God, then the Truth which Jesus spoke is also real and valid. I put my faith there; and anyone else can think whatever they wish.

Another epiphany (let's call it an insight) is that old-age vision loss is a blessing, probably a part of God's design. Apparently, the problem isn't unique to modern times because it was noteworthy that Moses, in his old age, still had good eyesight. My cataracts make everything hazy, sort of foggy. I can't read books, or even street signs. I don't dare drive a vehicle. I feel more and more disconnected from the world, more withdrawn into my own thoughts. Now, I see (pun intended) that vision loss forces a person to do less activities, to accept his disconnect, to be content with his own thoughts, and to turn responsibilities over to younger generations. It forces one to be contemplative, and that is an opening for the Holy Spirit. Again, the easy surgery of modern medical intervention is another wickedness against those whom the Father would draw closer to Himself.

Feb 17, 2012:

II Esdras was a book of the Bible until the Roman Catholic church excluded it about 1546AD at the Council of Trent. The Protestants never questioned why. It happens to be one of the most glorious revelations of messages to the prophet Ezra by the angel of the Lord. Click here for the complete text of this grand book. In chapter seven, Ezra asks what happens to the soul after death. Here is an excerpt from that conversation:

STATE OF THE DEAD BEFORE JUDGMENT

II Esdras 7:75 I answered and said, "If I have found favor in your sight, O Lord, show this also to your servant: whether after death, as soon as everyone of us yields up the soul, we shall be kept in rest until those times come when you will renew the creation, or whether we shall be tormented at once?"

76 He answered me and said, "I will show you that also, but do not include yourself with those who have shown scorn, nor number yourself among those who are tormented. 77For you have a treasure of works stored up with the Most High, but it will not be shown to you until the last times. 78 Now concerning death, the teaching is: When the decisive decree has gone out from the Most High that a person shall die, as the spirit leaves the body to return again to him who gave it, first of all it adores the glory of the Most High."

It sure does help to know something of what happens after the Spirit is set free from the body.

PART 3

THE FINAL CHAPTER

August 15, 2012

Having turned away from any act of self-sacrifice, I bought firewood for next winter. We ordered a liquid propane refrigerator and an LP chest freezer because the gasoline generator used too much gasoline to keep the electric chest freezer cold. The weeks passed. My vision has deteriorated rapidly until my right eye sees only a blur and the left eye is able to see large text on the monitor with increasing difficulty. When moving the old frig and freezer out and the new ones in, I must have wrenched my back. A few days afterward, I was suddenly struck with a terrible pain when getting up from bed. The pain was along the lower ribs, in front, on both left and right. The feeling was like a massive muscle cramp or spasm which constricted my chest and stopped my breathing. I tried to suffer through it, thinking that the pulled muscles would heal, but they didn't. I laid in a recliner for a couple weeks, sleeping there, too. No improvement happened. I considered it might be kidney stones but other symptoms were not consistent with that diagnosis. Finally, Lisa took me to the local E.R., Clinch Valley Medical Center. There was no kidney stone, so  they finally concluded it must be an arthritic growth on the spine pinching a nerve. Then I went to my Chiropractor; he gently felt along my spine and said, "here's the problem, T12 is out. He adjusted that vertebra and I left there pain free, for only $35.  There does seem to be some arthritis in my spine which is affecting my chest muscles somewhat, but it is manageable with occasional pain meds.

I told you about the rapid loss of my vision and the arthritis in the spine because these are anomalies in my life; they seem to be underlining my Father's call to come home, because this World is not going to be possible for me anymore. One other thing which I neglected to mention was a heart attack about 3am on January 31, 2012. Mild chest pains began about noon the previous day. During the night the pains were so bad that I woke Lisa; I was nearly unable to breathe. I sat in the recliner; I took a nitro tab and a pain pill. After a couple hours, the pain eased and I went back to bed. When I described the details to a friend who works in a cardiac clinic, he said it was most likely a heart attack.

Now, I will speak of the heart attacks last Sunday, Aug 12. A series of severe attacks began mid-afternoon. At first I thought it was heartburn, but the pain increased until I was writhing in agony for perhaps five to ten minutes, then the pain subsided until there was nearly none. After fifteen minutes or so, the pain began again very slowly, building up to the same agony. So, I took a couple potent pain pills. The next three events were not quite so agonizing, and then I went to bed, slept well, and felt wonderful the next day.

Now, as I write this three days later, Wednesday morning, I concluded that God has underlined and highlighted His command to come home with my rapid vision loss and with arthritis on the spine; and now the heart attacks have put exclamation marks after it. I hear Him slamming his fist on the table and saying, "Roger, you well know your destiny, so do it; I'm not going to do it for you!" I am clear that I must do the final sacrifice myself. It is very clear to me that the high step at the top of the Pyramid's Grand Gallery is a sacrificial altar, onto which one must climb by himself. It is necessary that the offering be willing and determined. On Monday, I had a paper notarized by the president of a local bank and the vice president, both of whom are friends of mine. It commands that no person intervene to provide hydration or nourishment while I die from dehydration, a process that might take from six to ten days, possibly more. My wife, Lisa, does not approve of this, but she understands my conviction and will guard my right to refuse any liquid or food. I will write about it as long as I can. After I am unconscious, she will protect me from any outside intervention because my right to refuse liquid and nourishment is legal, unalienable, and sacrosanct.

Tue 14th eve: I decided that I must take action toward my self-sacrifice now, so I will cease all hydration and food after this evening.  My last meal, late evening, was about one bottle of grape wine and some freshly baked bread. No more liquids or food after this. While sharing this communion with Lisa, she wrote down some of my random remarks. I said at one point, "I have a destiny that I've struggled with and been resisting. Now to yield to it brings a peace to my soul; fighting it has been troublesome to my soul."

I will keep a detailed account of this process. I've heard that the Right To Die organization needs more detailed accounts, but I've not had contact with it. Perhaps someone can notify that organization of this record-keeping for me. BTW, this process is called VOLUNTARY DEATH BY DEHYDRATION, just FYI. I did notify a few close friends of what I am doing. Some of their email correspondence has been most gratifying to me. You can read some of the CORRESPONDENCE HERE.  

Wed 15th morn: I moved an electric chest freezer from a storage building into the house and transferred the frozen contents from the LP chest freezer to the electric one. Then I did some circuit breaker box wiring in order to supply electricity to the guest cabin. I feel wonderfully happy at the prospect of going home. Lisa drove us the eight miles to town for some shopping, but groceries only for one now! In the afternoon, I answered some mail and lazied about. While reclining at about 6pm I feel all the cells of my body tingling just slightly. I've been a little thirsty this afternoon, but not very hungry. We watched Jonathan Livingston Seagull again, this eve. Then we listened to Mozart's Great Mass in C Minor, my top favorite music, ever. Bed 10:30pm     END DAY 1

Thur morn: Slept well. Woke 7:30. Urine clear no odor. Mouth is getting dry; rinsed it w/hydrogen peroxide as usual. Not feeling very hungry, only slightly thirsty. After doing emails, I worked hard for an hour or so moving stored items to another location, breathing heavily, heart fast, and drying mouth. Then had a bowel movement (medium? soft solid).  At 9:15am BP: 121/83 and pulse: 83, strong and regular (I have a life-history of atrial-fibrillation but it has never been a problem). I'm almost 74 yrs age, white male, 5'-11". Weight at 9:15am is 156; normal has been 160 since I was a teen. BP has always been normal range; resting pulse is typically 60, has been as low as 35. I take no pharmaceuticals nor OTC meds like aspirin or ibuprofen or acetominophen. For severe pain, on rare occasions, I will take a more potent prescription pill. I'm confident of no plaque buildup in arteries; and I've never had sugar problems, not even hypoglycemia.

Thur eve: Had several small bowel movements today and eve, usually after some physical activity. Rinsed mouth frequently with peroxide because of foul taste. Feeling noticeably weaker. Somewhat thirsty. Jarred by realization today that I'll never taste a peach again, or wine, or many things which I envisioned. Still mobile w/out problems. I watched SECONDHAND LIONS tonight, one of my favorite movies. Am feeling considerably weaker at 11pm, going to bed. 11pm BP: 134/73 Pulse 98 some atrial fib; Weight 152. lost 8lbs in 14 hrs.    END DAY 2

Friday 3:30am. Sleeping fitfully, can't get comfortable. Getting out of bed has me breathing heavily. Got up to write this because my thinking seems confused. Now back to bed.

7:00am: woke up with a little bowel leakage; will wear diaper now. Laughing, wondering if this is what Jesus meant about becoming a child again. 'Twould help if someone would chide me about the diaper; one thing is sure: I'm not going out somber or morose. I'm feeling pretty good. worked at computer a little. Walking about easily, but will settle into recliner much of today.

9:00am: BP 91/72; Pulse 94; Weight 151. Movement tires me quickly. Unable to take the trash bag to the driveway end; Lisa had to do it. I get dizzy with slight exertion.

Reclined most of day; sipped some ice chips but spit out water. Listened to Mozart's Great Mass a couple times. I feel weak, a little hunger and a little thirst.

9:00pm:  BP 129/78; Pulse 83; Weight: 150.   END DAY 3

Saturday 9:00am: Slept well. no incontinence. BP: 125/80, Pulse 76; weight 149.

I have continuous abdominal discomfort, probably because bile drips constantly into empty intestines, due to a gall bladder removal. Bowel movements are nearly clear water, slightly yellow from bile.

I spent time at email correspondence with friends who are concerned about me.

Had company today, visited, bright mind, felt good.

6:30pm: BP 126/71; Pulse: 68; Wt: 148;  To bed at 11:30    END DAY 4

{Sidenote}  It has struck me that God has provided a natural way to die for all creatures. It seems to be an instinct that animals, American Indians, Eskimoes, and other cultures will, at the end of one's life, he/she/it will crawl or wanders off alone, lay down and die. without water or food. You see it also with our white race in hospitals when one has finally had enough he/she refuses any food or water. It is against everything one ever learned to refuse water, but some instinct causes that refusal anyway. We admire that practice as noble among the Indians and Eskimoes, but some Christians will still consider it suicide when done by our own people; isn't that strange that they can't consider it as noble for us, too? For me, my blindness, arthritic spine and constant pain, and finally five heart attacks on Aug 12th all convince me that my time is short, so I have this opportunity to select the natural process of exit. This is not suicide, but merely permitting nature to have its way. I've had not one temptation to eat, rehydrate, and return. But, this slow process has permitted me to find completion with all loved ones, something a suicide would not do. I am even more happy to be doing this and going home.

Sunday 9:00am.   BP 118/73; Pulse 98; Wt. 147, Slept well, except several times had to rinse mouth because it was so very dry. My favorite rinse now is beer w/ice cubes; Oh how I want to swallow some, but don't. Have had no more incontinence problems; never did get a diaper. While attempting to update this report this morning, I had considerable difficulty with it because of confusion. Lisa confirms that I am showing signs of confusion. She may have to take over this report soon. The shower I just took, at 11:15am might be the last of which I am capable.  8:15pm: BP 115/80; Pulse 94; Wt. 147. I am extremely weak.  To bed at 11:00   END DAY 5

Monday Aug 20, 2012, 8:00am. Slept peacefully, except needing to rinse mouth every hour or so; dry mouth awakens me. Sleeping in recliner now with ice water and spit container along side. BP: 129/77; Pulse 92; Wt 147. Still coherent, but very weak. Had consecutive company friends all day, wearying! 10pm BP 126/81; Pulse 72; Wt 145.    END DAY 6

Tue Aug 21, 2012. My 74th birthday is at 2:14am.

12:15am:  BP:116/72; Pulse 98, Wt 145. Slept in recliner. Since I am expecting a lack of electrolyes to cause heart cessation, and since our water does not contain electrolytes, I drank several swallows of spring water during night and thru this morning, but will not repeat that. Slept well except for mouth rinsing every hour or so.

8:30am:  BP: 108/62; Pulse 92,  Wt  144.

Day of phone calls and evening visit with nephew Dr., my favorite person. He encourages me to forego my self-sacrifice, but I feel so strongly commanded by God that I am still committed to this destiny. He advises me that kidney failure will be the first consequence of dehydration. Whether the lack of electrolytes will cause a heart failure first is unknown. Dry mouth has gotten so severe that I would need a water rinse every 4 or 5 minutes, so I used a Dry Mouth Moisturizer and was able to sleep well through the night.

10:45pm. BP 104/75; Pulse 62; Wt. 144. I see that the water I drank thru Tue morn has brought my pulse rate down to normal range.   END OF DAY 7

Wed Aug 22, 2912. at 9am.  BP 116/71; Pulse 68. Wt. 143. Slept well in recliner, but much weaker this morn. Early afternoon, I drank several swallows of distilled water, avoiding any intake of electrolytes, but I wanted so desperately to swallow some water. Many relatives and friends have visited me, all of them encouraging me to not do this self-sacrifice. It grieves me that I cannot adequately explain how God is commanding me, how I know it, and that I am devoted to following His commands. I do understand the human emotions which are being jarred by my action; I can feel sympathy, but I cannot choose world over God's command. I'd be elated to continue my happy life here, IF my Father permitted it. But, it is clear that He will not. So, I shall continue to run happily toward Him, even if others don't understand.

8:30pm. BP 133/86; Pulse 68; WT. 144    END OF DAY 8

Thu Aug 23, 2012 at 7:30am.  BP: 123/68; Pulse 68; Wt 143.   Slept well in recliner. Used Dry Mouth Moisturizer. Drinking water has prolonged this process, must stop doing it. Still very weak and mouth very dry. Had a phone call from a dear friend who said he was thinking of me this morning and wanted to tell me to consider all the resistance from others as mere static. He said it is rare that anyone has the grace to face death, and that if Christians believed what they claim, they would all be wanting to leave this world as Jesus directs us to do. I walk this path as a solitaire, as each person facing death must do. If only Christians could understand what a joy it is to follow Jesus through that blessed death door, a door which is open, not closed.

2:15pm.  BP 122/73; Pulse 94.

Here, on my ninth day, so far I have felt no discomfort, NO pain anywhere. My mood has been ebullient, easily joyful and laughing. I feel no attraction toward food anymore, but I do love the ice-water rinse, spitting most of it out, but sometimes swallowing a tiny bit. I fall asleep in my chair easily many times during the day.

8:30pm.  BP 109/67; Pulse 93.   Wt: 143.     END OF DAY 9

Fri Aug 24.   7:15am;  BP 95/63;  Pulse 100;  Wt: 142. Slept pretty well in recliner. Weakest yet, this morn.

1:00pm.  BP 106/69; Pulse 104.  Am feeling even weaker.

10:00pm;  BP 118/68;  Pulse 96; Wt. 142     END OF DAY 10

Sat Aug 25.   6:00am;  BP 102/75; Pulse 100; Wt 141. Used no rinse liquid for my mouth last night, so no water swallowed accidently. This morn, too weak to walk to bathroom; can barely type at computer. Confusion stage still not started . I have no desire to watch a movie or listen to any music; prefer silence. Lisa gave me ice chips this morn, most delicious meal I ever had, but didn't swallow anything.

10am.  BP 75/59; Pulse 83.

6pm.  BP: 104/70; Pulse 67;   Wt: 140       END OF DAY 11

 {Sidenote} Most everyone thinks I am doing wrong, except for a few friends who know my work. Those who have not read my writings feel free to judge me, whether I understand God's will. I was thinking how different I am from Jesus; He REALLY jarred those who were attracted to Him by the miracles. He said they should eat His body and drink His blood; saying that to people of the O.T. history for whom blood was NEVER to be drunk. He told them that to follow Him they must hate all their family and themselves, too. He said He didn't come to bring peace, but a sword. And many other things which caused most people to think He was crazy and turn away from Him. But, He knew His destiny and they didn't know it. I would say that I am the same as Jesus in the fact that I now know my own destiny, but I am different from Him in that my action is based on a slight variance in interpretation. Most people think I am doing wrong because I am causing the end of my own life rather than having an enemy do it. That is the primary argument which I've heard. But, if we read Jesus' own words, He defined His death as a suicide, saying that no man takes it from Him, but that He lays it down Himself, and that is the very REASON that the Father loves Him. If I listen to that Jesus, rather than the church Jesus, then I would conclude that even violent suicide would please our Father if it is done to follow Jesus home. But, I have yielded to that natural instinct which God has designed into all creatures, that when one feels his life is completed, he just stops eating and drinking, and he dies. Since that instinct is prevalent in all creatures, who can say it is wrong? Some say I have more to give, more purpose. Many who say that are ones who don't know me very well, and others don't understand my sincere belief that my work is done and I am being called home. Who else can know that for me? My position is that if I have claimed to be a follower of Jesus for so many years, how can I default on that at the end of this life? God forbid that I should deny Him now! So, that's what I feel like saying this morning, while I still can. I am so very anxious to get on with this last adventure, a journey which I have sought for much of my life. I say, Adieu.

Sun. Aug. 26  Roger is extremely weak today and unable to write, so I, Lisa, will be writing for him. (I apologize that the report is so late today; I know many of you are waiting for the update.)  6:45am; BP 130/83; Pulse 104; Wt. 140.

10:30am; BP 83/66;  Pulse 89.

11:30am; BP113/70;  Pulse 93.

 7:30pm; Roger has remained very weak all day, but he is still able to converse and even make jokes.  BP 103/67; Pulse 58; Wt. 140    END OF DAY 12

[Sidenote] Mon, Aug 27.   5:20an, I crawled from my bed to the computer, nearby it; I feel dizzy and nauseous from the effort. Weakness seems to be the only thing I've achieved; my stats are still pretty good. It must be that I am allowing too much water or other mouth rinse to sneak past the tongue and be swallowed. So, no more mouth rinse; I'll use the Dry Mouth Moisturizer (yuck) instead. What motivates me to come to the computer today is the subject I've been contemplating while lying in bed, as follows:

        This kingdom of world is a dimension of consciousness which God's spirit-offspring should never have chosen. At the Fall, we turned from that higher Kingdom of God dimension of consciousness to descend into this seemingly material and finite dimension. Now, we are finishing our 12,000 year stint here and we are to return to our home dimension with HIM who is our source. The singlemost important consideration is that one WANTS so desperately to return to our Father that he will consider nearly anything to achieve it, and will then ACT to accomplish it. It is my deep and confident conviction that we are to be no longer vegetables in Goo's garden, waiting for HIM to pluck us up and send us home, but, since time is near its end in world, we are to take responsibility upon ourselves and actually DO SOMETHING as His witnesses, to make the leap from this to the higher dimension. It is as though our Father is standing on that far bank calling to us and saying, "I don't care how you leave that worthless piece of flesh behind, but DO IT, and come home. You are my Spirit-son, you are MINE, but your flesh body is nothing but a lie which you chose in your rebellion. Rid yourself of it and come home. I won't dwell in your bodies anymore; they are nought but dirt and corruption. Shed them, by any means, and come HOME."   I am describing a change of paradigm, from that humble posture of asking God to do everything, to a vertical posture of standing up as His sons and taking actions of our own in order to fulfill His commands. I know there are plenty of physical and worldly reasons against self-sacrifice, but by considering what I've just posited, some of you might  be inspired to know spiritual reasons in favor of self-sacrifice. Just think about this: we spirit-offspring of our Father turned away from Him by our own actions; now, at end of world kingdom, it seems only right that we turn back to Him by our own actions, rather than waiting for our enemies to kill us for offerings on Satan's altar, and rather than sitting idly back with the shallow platitude that God will take us Home when He wants to. How about standing up with a shout, "I left God by my own accord; I'll return to him by my own action Death is the blessed door, God's gift, by which we might follow Jesus. He calls us to it; He described His own death as a suicide. One truth is certain, "Flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God."  So, you take it from there. This might be my last missive, but presenting a new paradigm might be the most important thing I've done. May God work in your minds and hearts the understanding which HE wants you to have. I'm only offering you something to think about.

Mon, Aug 27.  7:30am.  BP: 111/83;  Pulse: 61;   Wt: 138.

11:30am;  BP: 124/85;  Pulse: 86

8:45 pm;  BP:  115/81;  Pulse: 85;  WT: 137        END OF DAY 13

Tue., Aug. 28.  6:00am. BP: 133/86;  Pulse: 89   Wt. 136

7:30am. BP 125/86; Pulse: 90

Roger is again extremely weak today; is lying down and sleeping much of the time.

5:30pm. BP: 135/92;  Pulse: 61

9:00pm. BP: 121/77;  Pulse: 89    Wt. 136     END OF DAY 14

[Sidenote] Tue Aug 28: I've laid in bed most of the day, sleeping off and on, but had company several times which I kept short because I couldn't sit up for very long. I used no mouth rinses all day, until evening. I've been obsessed with water, especially ice water. I've fantasized being carried to a stream where I could be submerged and enjoy the flow of cold water, or the same in a lake. I thought perhaps Lisa could fill the tub with cold water for me. Finally, I settled for a kitchen sink full of cold water, with ice added to it. Then I sat on a stool and plunged my entire head under the water; seven times I did it. It was glorious, wonderful. Then I swallowed a few sips of ice water. It will probably prolong my dehydration, but I could not resist it.

        Contemplating this obsession with water, here is my conclusion. Water is my last earthly connection, which I am reluctant to release. I think of John 3, where Jesus said one must be "born from above" in order to see the kingdom of God. When Nicodemus failed to understand and suggested that Jesus was saying 'again," Jesus explained that one must be born of both water and spirit. His "water" means that of the womb, of which all people are born.  But, only God's own spirit-being offspring are 'born from above,"  namely, born of spirit. Jesus said that which is born of flesh is flesh and that of spirit is spirit. He was making a distinction between physical worldly races and His own Family of white-race true Israelites who are all born from above. So, water was my beginning, in the womb, and is still my world connection, and is the last thing I must give up in order to leave this world. I crave it desperately; I love it; I can't seem to abstain completely, no matter how hard I try. But, it is what I must do henceforth. I pray to succeed.

Aug 29th. 7:30am.  BP  108/86;  Pulse: 61  Wt. 135

2:00pm.  BP 109/83;  Pulse: 105

7:30pm.  BP 93/67;   Pulse: 71                         END OF DAY 15

Aug 30th. 11am.  BP: 95/73; Pulse: 89.

Roger drank water this morning because the Dry Mouth Moisturizer was not preventing dry-mouth while sleeping.

Earlier this year (Feb. 16, 2012), Roger described the image of a diaphanous bridge between this world and the Kingdom of Heaven, which he longed to cross. Roger did indeed cross that bridge today, Aug.30, 2012, approximately 4:30 pm local time. He is now joyfully in that glorious castle which he described, home at last with his Father.

You can read some of my email CORRESPONDENCE HERE.

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