This collection of humor is my own selection of pieces that happen across my path. You will quickly notice that I don't grant some vulgar words the same value as the Lord's Name which I don't take in vain. For those Christians who preserve vulgar words as unspeakable as God's name, I have no apology. If you are offended by the word "shit," then you are hereby forewarned.
LIFE IS HELL FOR THOSE WHO FEEL;
LIFE IS HEAVEN FOR THOSE WHO LAUGH!
1. "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
2. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
3. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
4. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
5. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
6. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
7. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
8. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
A young boy goes to his dad and asks, What is politics?
Dad says, Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me CAPITALISM. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the GOVERNMENT. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the PEOPLE. The nanny, we’ll consider her the WORKING CLASS. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the FUTURE. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,
So the boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the boy says to his father, Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. The father says, Good, son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about. The little boy replies, Well, while CAPITALISM is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep, the PEOPLE are being ignored and the FUTURE is in deep shit.
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says, “Shit happens”.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it really isn’t shit.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: If shit happens, I can forgive it.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Shit is the consequence of Law.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don’t call a doctor—pray.
Judaism: We make a profit from shit.
Reform Judaism: We dictate shit, by proxies.
Atheism: There is no such thing as shit.
Pantheism: Everything is shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Existentialism: Shit doesn’t happen; shit is.
Astrology: Shit comes from the stars.
Naturopathy: Shit cures.
Homeopathy: A little shit goes a long way.
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. Orientals will become disoriented. Pigs may lose their voice and become disgruntled. On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If a mime swears do you wash his hands with soap?
If a fly had no wings would it be called a walk?
Why is the word “abbreviation” so long?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Do crows have ravenous appetites?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
If it’s tourist season, can we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Isn’t it a bit scary that doctors call what they do “practice?”
Why isn’t there a mouse flavored cat food?
Why do people who know the least, know it the loudest?
Should vegetarians avoid animal crackers?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks, “A penny for your thoughts”; you put your two cents in, what happens to the second penny?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
No one ever says, “It's only a game”, when their team is winning.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
“Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad”
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don’t dig up the garden! That’s where I buried the guns! Love, Bubba”
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
“Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba”
7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH A CHILD
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without pausing or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's teacher, She's dead."
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
After installing the new double insulated thermopane windows, the salesman guaranteed the lady the windows would pay for themselves within a year. About thirteen months later, the lady answered the tenth nasty invoice with "Duuhhh, the year is up."
Fresh from the shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror. She complains to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of telling her they are not, he comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, she gets a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take," she asks. "They’ll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing this paper between my breasts will make them larger over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn’t it?"
He lived, and with therapy, may walk again.
A SENIOR MOMENT
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear, and said, "Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your right ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
A TREASURE STORY
An elderly couple was on a boat-cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat, watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. After an initial search, the captain sent the man home with assurance that they would continue searching and would notify him as soon as they found anything.
A few days went by, and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside the oyster was a pearl worth about $50,000. Please advise." The old man faxed back, "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap."
Teaching Math in
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in
A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M.
The set C, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of set M and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?
Teaching Math in
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120.
How does IRS determine that his profit margin was $60?
I DIDN'T VOTE
SO IT'S YOUR FAULT!
TWELVE YEARS CLEAN & VOTE FREE
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts..
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
Two silkworms in a race; ended up in a tie.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
A good pun is its own reword.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Definition of a will? a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Friends only now, lovers no more,
since you sold the liquor store.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
family in Spain- they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Subject: Ghetto Spellin Bee
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Hotel - I gif my bitch da crabs, and dat ho tel eberbody.
2. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho an income my wife.
3. Catacomb - I seen Don King at da fight d'other night. Man, somebody get dat catacomb.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment dey gonna send me back to da joint.
7. Penis - I went to da doctors and he handed me a cup and said "penis."
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit!, dat watch Israel".
9 Undermine - Dere's a fine lookin' ho living in d'apartment undermine.
10.Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da poolhall.
11.Iraq - When we got to da poolhall, I tol' my uncle "iraq, you break."
12. Stain - My mudder-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "D'you plan on stain for dinner?"
13.Fortify - I axed dis ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."
Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
Today's word is :"OMELETTE" Let us use it in a sentence. "I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinarian. The vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, this duck is dead."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes and left the room, momentarily returning with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returning a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table, sniffed around. It then sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then he turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$350!" she cried, "just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the Cat scan ......"
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of Special High Intensity Teaching (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don’t know S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Education Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Educational Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of Managerial Operational Research Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.. If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Teaching, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Boss In General
Special High Intensity Teaching
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he
is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3
women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?
The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's
When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good", says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given
a part in the school play.
"Wonderful! What part is it?" replies his mother.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls "That's terrible. Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself" she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Jewish telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow."
Definition of "paraprosdokian": "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
10. A bus
station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is
a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:', I put 'DOCTOR'.
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.